Mind Your (Table) Manners!
 by Nathalie Fairbanks

Table manners are a murky subject. We all remember our
mothers telling us *something* over and over at dinner time.
"Mets ta main sur la table!" was my Mom's refrain (French
for "Put your hand on the table!"). Would a Chinese,
Iranian or Nigerian child hear the same thing? In many
American homes I've heard, "Chew with your mouth closed,"
and, "Don't talk with your mouth full." 

If you asked me what good French table manners encompass, I
would probably be able to come up with about a dozen rules.
The other 150 I couldn't tell you until I saw you breaking
them. What's considered appropriate and polite is ingrained
in each of us. It's stored in our subconscious and we
don't even know it. The only way we find out is when we
have a gut reaction to what someone else is doing and just
know it's "wrong." Especially at the table, our reactions
tend to be visceral and we're quick to judge something as
"disgusting."

Imagine you're preparing for your first trip to a new
country. You can make yourself understood in your new
language, at least you can order your food. You know you
have a few business meals scheduled--how do you know to be
polite?

Here are a few points you want to be clear on before you go:

1. Seating arrangements

Are there seats around the table that are reserved for the
guest of honor, or the host? Do you wait to be seated or are
you supposed to know where to sit? Do couples sit together?
Do men and women eat together? What about children? Sitting
in the wrong spot might be rude and make your host
uncomfortable.

2. Eating utensils

One of my favorite things to do with my German class is to
take them to a German restaurant and show them how to eat
with the fork in their left hand, the knife in the right and
ask them to not switch hands. They realize how awkward it
is, and we've had many a good laugh at seeing someone
missing their mouth with the fork because the student
couldn't find it with their left hand!

I'm sure that if you are from an Asian country, you have a
great time watching frustrated Westerners handle their
chopsticks and chasing a piece of food around the plate...

I remember my first few meals in India. We were in Chennai
(Madras) and getting used to eating with our (right!) hand.
A waiter took us on as an education project and showed us
just how this is to be done: stay close to your banana leaf,
don't tilt your head back, move the food into your mouth
swiftly... and don't make a mess. It's easier said than
done!

Sometimes, the utensils used vary with the food that's
being served. Can you eat fruit with your hands? Is there a
knife dedicated for eating fish? A glass for just one type
of beverage? 

Find out about the placement of eating utensils, too. There
are particular ways of placing chopsticks before and after
the meal, the teapot shouldn't point in specific
directions, a knife and fork should be placed parallel when
you're done eating, the napkin (or absence thereof) can be
a problematic prop--the list is varied and endless. 

3. Noise or no noise?

As much as Europeans consider noisy eaters to be rude,
silent eaters can be judged as rude elsewhere. Are you
supposed to slurp, smack your lips or burp, or will that get
you into trouble? In some countries, it's not even an
issue. Be sure to practice ahead of time, as these are some
of the hardest habits to change, and doing the *new* thing
might have your parents screaming in the back of your head!

4. Quantities

I learned a lesson years ago as a student in Berlin. I
became friends with my Lebanese neighbors--we were the same
age, 20, yet our cultural backgrounds couldn't have been
more different. They had two adorable little daughters, ages
4 and 2, and a third on the way. The mom didn't speak
German, and I didn't speak Arabic, so the dad helped us
communicate in broken German. For the most part, we made do
with gestures and drawing pictures. We enjoyed each others'
company.

One occasion stands out vividly in my mind. I had been over
in the afternoon and was served coffee and cookies while we
were looking at family pictures. I wasn't used to drinking
coffee, and theirs was very strong. I had drunk what was in
my little cup and was offered more. Even though I declined,
I was served more. I drank it as slowly as I could, my head
already buzzing. When I got to the end of that cup and
thanked my host and made it clear that I really didn't want
any more. She got up and made more.

Why would she make more coffee when I just said I had had
plenty? I didn't want to be rude, so I drank the new cup. I
decided to get up and leave right after finishing, so she
couldn't give me more and escape the situation. What was
going on?

The mystery was solved several weeks later, when I invited
my friend and her two little girls to come over for some
cake and apple juice. It only dawned on me after they had
left--there was cake left on every plate, and apple juice in
every cup. Bingo! 

In their tradition, you show your host that you've had
enough by leaving a little in your glass and thereby
demonstrating that you are satisfied. My diligence in
drinking up all the coffee in my cup was a sign for her that
she hadn't given me enough and she would make more and more
until I left some in there. How rude I must have appeared to
her to "demand" so much coffee!

In the country of your choice, how do you signal that you'd
like more, or that you're done? Are you supposed to eat all
that's on your plate? How many courses will the meal have?
Do you need to "save some space" for what's coming? What
do you do with parts of the food that can't be
eaten--peels, bones and such? 

5. I don't eat "X"

Refusing food is considered rude just about anywhere. Your
host has spent hours preparing a meal, and you're not going
to eat what's on the table? What if you're offered food
that you psychologically can't handle, or if you know that
your business partners can tolerate way more alcohol than
you?

Some situations are tricky. My father tells of several
occasions where he was the honored guest at a business meal
in China. He was offered the "best" pieces--parts of
animals that he had never considered eating before. There
was no way out, and refusing would have been a slight to the
hosts. What to do? "Augen zu und durch!" A German
expression to say: "Close your eyes and go through with
it!"

If there are things you absolutely can't stomach, come up
with a good reason for refusing. Generally, religious
reasons and health concerns ("my doctor said") are
acceptable. Be sure to be consistent!

6. Communicate!

Before you go, find someone who can coach you during a meal.
Ask the person to point out any grave mistakes and possible
deadends. Be as prepared as you can. One resource that has
helped me is a Lonely Planet travel guide. It is very
superficial, but it will teach you the basics.

Even if you think you know the rules, let your host or a
colleague know that you're not familiar with all aspects of
the eating etiquette. This is a case where "asking for
permission" is preferable to "asking for forgiveness!"
Then observe carefully how everybody else behaves and try
not to deviate. Good luck! 

If you want to see just how well you know what you're
supposed to do at meals around the world, take this humorous
little test:

http://www.fekids.com/img/kln/flash/DontGrossOutTheWorld.swf

© 2008 Nathalie V. Fairbanks

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